Wednesday, May 16, 2007


In less than 24 hours, graduation will be over and I will have a J.D. I'm still not sure quite how that happened. I'm waiting for a phone call from someone at the law school saying "oops, sorry, it turns out that you have 3 more years of school left. Get that bluebook back out of the trash."

Friday, May 11, 2007


Phone: Ring ring ring!
Me: Hello?
Person calling me: [something in spanish]
Me: You have the wrong number.
Person calling me: [something else in spanish]
Me: This is the wrong number.
Person calling me: [even more stuff in spanish]
Me: [Click.]

Question: Even if you don't speak enough english to understand the words "wrong number", isn't just the fact that I'm speaking english all the information you need to know that you've got the wrong number?

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

One Last Time...

Dear Law School:

Where the fuck are my grades?

Love, Me.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Here's What I Don't Get

I don't get people who go to law school and then don't take the bar exam. I know that the boys over at Barely Legal have some sort of logical explanation for this, but I just don't get it.

First, if you realize after 2 years that you don't really want to be a lawyer after all, then why not drop out immediately and reduce your crushing load of student loan debt to 2/3-of-a-crushing-load of loan debt? Then you'll only have to spend 15 years living in your parents' basement instead of 20 years while you pay off the debt.

And if you do decide to go ahead and serve out your 3-year law school sentence and graduate, but not get a job as a lawyer, still, why not just take 2 more fucking months and study for the bar exam, so that when your brother gets a DUI or your cousin gets ripped off by his landlord, you can do a little bit of research and give them some advice without worrying that someone will catch you doing some "unauthorized practice of law" or whatever it's called?

Tuesday, May 01, 2007


Everything you read on this blog should be construed as legal advice, because it's certainly not posted for informational purposes. I am not an attorney and am not allowed to engage in the practice of law -- but if I don't practice, then how will I get good at it? The transmission and receipt of the information contained on this Web site and your access to this Web site do not create or constitute the formation of an attorney-client relationship, unless you send me a picture first and a link to your JDate profile. Then I'll consider forming a relationship. I do not make any warranties or representations of any kind concerning any information made available on or through this Web site, except for the stuff about going to Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks in my pajamas -- I highly recommend it when you're just too hung over to get dressed. There's no health department rule that says you can't do it. Sure, there's "no shirt, no shoes, no service" but no one's going to tell me that my Hello Kitty slippers aren't "shoes".

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Making my own cat food

More pet food recalls. I'm kind of fond of my cat -- she does cough up hairballs on the carpet way too often, but she also worships me as a god, so it balances out. So I figured maybe I should just feed her cans of people tuna fish, instead of the killer canned cat food that all the grocery stores are apparently selling now.

So I googled "make your own cat food" just to be sure that giving her cans of people tuna wouldn't be a problem -- and of course it is. Because of the mercury, of course. And I'm not supposed to feed her onions, pork, bacon, milk, etc.

One suggested recipe is "1 lb. ground turkey, 2 tbsp. tomato paste, 1/2 tsp. garlic powder and 2 tsp. brewer's yeast."

Here's another cooking tip: "Add flavorings such as garlic salt and kelp powder to the food you cook for your cat. Small amounts of dairy products are acceptable, but cats should not drink a lot of milk. Use lactose-free milk instead." Are you kidding me? That's more effort than I put into cooking my own food.

Maybe I could feed her cans of spam instead of tuna fish? No - Spam has pork. Ok, maybe I could go to McDonald's and get her a hamburger and chop it up and mix it all together? A hamburger with no onions. Except she wouldn't eat it, because the only thing she'll eat is Fancy Feast. And not the regular Fancy Feast -- the expensive Fancy Feast. Goddam cat. Keeping her alive is way too much work these days. I am SO glad I don't have children.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Why Do I Have To Leave The House?

Here in the northeast, we are having a "nor'easter" or however you spell it. In my neighborhood, it just seems to be a normal rainstorm -- I don't see cars floating down the street or cows being tossed around by tornados or anything. But it does seem to provide a good excuse to spend the day at home in my pajamas -- which regular readers know is one of my most favorite things to do. But I have my usual problem: I'm dying for some Starbucks, and maybe a nice pastry. God I want some hot coffee. And as usual, I could make my own coffee but I'm out of milk. So I guess my choices are:

1 - stay here and whine
2 - go to Starbucks in my pajamas with a coat over them, hope no one notices
3 - drive an extra 10 minutes to the drive-through Starbucks
4 - drive around the corner to the local coffee house, where everyone wears their pajamas but the coffee isn't as good

Dunkin Donuts used to be an option -- I can go there in my bathrobe and fit right in with the homeless people. But I think they don't like me there -- they keep getting my bagel orders wrong and I think they've been giving me decaf instead of regular.

Hmmm.... okay, I'm going to go with #2 or #4. I'm going to think about it while I brush my hair.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Career Choices

Today in my Trial Techniques class, my half of the class (which had our fake trial last week) was watching the other half of the class put on their fake trial (these "trials" are our final exams). The "trial" I was watching was a criminal trial. I was listening to the "lawyers" and the "witnesses" and thinking "that guy is totally innocent. Those eyewitnesses don't mean anything -- everyone knows how unreliable eyewitnesses are. The cops totally screwed up the lineup. All the other evidence is circumstantial. Not guilty!" Then I thought "Hmmm, does this mean that I should give up my dream of being a prosecutor?" If I go on an interview for a prosecutor job, and they ask me "do you think that cops ever lie in court," should I say "hell yeah!" or should I lie?

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Financial Crisis

I just realized that after I graduate next month, I won't be able to get student loans anymore. What will I do? (I know, I know, get a job. Shut up, Mom.)

I've sort of fallen into a regular routine: log on, check the bank account balance, quickly apply for a new loan, con the real lawyers at my internship into buying me lunch for a few days, receive check, deposit, resume partying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

But now those days are coming to an end. And I think some of those banks might be serious about wanting that money back.

I actually tried getting a job last month, but Target wouldn't hire me. I think I failed the personality test. There were a bunch of questions like:

"How smart do you consider yourself to be, in relation to everyone else?
A. Smarter than everyone
B. Smarter than 25% of the people
C. Smarter than 50% of the people
. . ." and so on.

I answered "A" to all these types of questions -- because, you know, statistically, I am smarter than 95% of the population. But I wasn't going to flaunt it or anything -- I was just going to work the cash register and keep to myself and not brag about being able to make change.
But I think their computer screening program flagged me as a psychopath. Oh well. Maybe I can work at Starbucks.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Oh my god, I have that same outfit!

This week at law school appears to be the student government elections. Or student bar association, or whatever it's called. There's posters everywhere, and flyers in my mailbox, and a bunch of people standing around in their suits "campaigning" or whatever it is they're doing.

What I want to know is, who do they think they're impressing with the suits? Their fellow students? Because you know what? We all own blue suits. Every single one of us. We're law students. Those of us who had real jobs before starting law school own multiple blue suits. Do they think that people are going to look at them and think "that guy looks very responsible and hardworking -- I'll vote for him!"? No.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

American Idol Liveblogging

I'm watching American Idol for the second time EVER, because I want to see this Sanjaya guy that everyone is talking about.

Opening credits:
- Reminds me of that part in X-Men where Magneto is in the plastic cell.
- Hey look! It's Nathan Fillion! What's up with that?
- Oooh, Jennifer Lopez. She's so pretty. I bet that right this minute, she's not sitting in front of her TV, drinking wine and eating Easter chocolate. She's at the gym with her personal trainer, and that's why her ass is 150 times better-looking than mine.

First singer:
- I like her. She's pretty good.
- That British guy is a jerk. I'm going to vote for whatever-her-name-was just because he didn't like her.

Commercial Break:
- boring, boring.
- Oh wait, I tivo-ed this - I can fast forward.

Second Singer (Lakiesha?):
- I liked her too. Stopped listening when the judges talked, don't know if I'll vote for her or not.

Commercial Break:
- I'm supposed to be writing a motion in limine. Just realized I have no idea what a motion in limine is.

Third Singer
- I missed his name. I don't care enough to rewind the tivo.
- I don't like his hair. Or his singing. He's just kind of blah.
- Are these people not singing the whole songs? That seemed really short.
- British guy liked him best. Is there any way to vote against someone?

Commercial Break:
- ooh, it's a commercial for that show that Nathan Fillion is in! Set the tivo!

Fourth Singer (Haley):
- pre-performance - Jennifer Lopez is coaching the singer. . .
- what are those boots? they look awful. But J-Lo look has cute shoes!
- actual performance: shorts? seriously? and you can't be a star with hair like that, honey.

Fifth Singer (Phil):
- stupid hat. it doesn't matter what you sing, if you're going to wear that hat.

Sixth Singer (Jordin):
- I like her hair. Is this show supposed to be about the singing? I have trouble focusing on that.
- I like the drummer's shirt a lot.

Seventh Singer (Blake):
- Marc Anthony is really creepy, isn't he? But I like that song. But not when Blake sings it.
- Oh my god - that hat is even stupider than Phil's hat. Who is dressing these people?
- Where is Sanjaya? Did he get kicked off and I missed it?

- He's singing in Spanish. Does he get bonus points for that?
- I don't think he's any worse than the guys with the stupid hats.

When do we find out who gets voted off the island? It's a separate episode, right?

Today's Study Dilemma:

Pre-trial memorandum?
or both?

Monday, April 02, 2007

Study Update: Getting Ready for the Bar Exam

Today's bar exam topic is "The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning". I'm learning a lot about criminal law.

But seriously, this is a terrible, terrible movie. I laughed until I cried. If it wasn't for the nude wrestling in Borat, this would be the funniest movie ever. It's just plain awful.

The only criticism I have is that Daisy Duke really needs a sandwich. A couple of sandwiches, and a milkshake, and a handful of oreos.

Monday, March 26, 2007

What I Learn From Watching TV (the next part in a continuing series)

I'm watching a high-def documentary about Katmandu. It appears to be about culture and history and stuff like that. They lost me at the beginning, when they started off with scenes from the market in the center of town. I thought "oohhh, shopping - look at that scarf! I want to go there!" Now I'm just sort of half-watching while I wait for them to stop showing temples and stuff and go back to the part about the market.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

The problem with low-carb diets

My neighbor downstairs is making toast. I can tell, because the smell comes through the heating vents. I'm not sure it's toast. It could be waffles. But it's definitely carbs. Jesus H. Christ it smells good. MMMmmmmmm carbs. AAAAaaaaaahhhhh. I want to just sit on the floor by the vent and lick the little carb molecules off it.

In law-related news, I made it through class tonight without cursing at the professor. It was hard, because he is possibly the biggest jackass EVER. Most of the questions he asks in class makes me want to raise my hand and answer either "what the fuck are you talking about?" or "you know that no one knows the answer to that question, so why the fuck are you asking?"

Monday, March 19, 2007

Hi Mom!

Remember those people with the fake blog who were supposed to be RV-ing across America and parking in Walmart parking lots? Right now, at this very minute, my mother's RV is parked in a Walmart parking lot. Somewhere out there in the flat middle part of the country. Luckily we also have Walmarts here at the bumpy edges of the country that she can park in when she comes out for graduation.

Morse v. Frederick

. . . aka the "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" case.

One of my classes requires us to go to court and observe a few trials. I have a terrible urge to show up at the municipal court wearing a t-shirt that says "Fuck the Draft" and see what happens. I'm pretty sure that no one at the court would get it.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Nothing to do with law school

How old do you have to be to find this video funny?

Thursday, March 08, 2007

This is what the internet is all about

Turtle porn. Damn, I'm proud to be an American.

What I Learn From Watching TV

How come the cops on CSI never draw chalk outlines around bodies? When did that stop being an important step in crime investigation?